


cereal go boom boom!

by Pillbug_Panic, vapourtoastie



Category: Hollow Knight (Video Games)
Genre: Crack, Gen, cereal wars AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29393964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pillbug_Panic/pseuds/Pillbug_Panic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/vapourtoastie/pseuds/vapourtoastie
Summary: Radiance goes bonkers! Big big bonkers! The cereal crunch of ‘87 is still hot on her memory and she is done running from her brand’s greatest competitor; PaleBran©His memory fractured, Quirrel dedicates himself to finding his Monomom. All that is left is a note; if he must go through the entire hierarchy of a business to decipher it, then so be it.All is fair in love and store.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 4





	1. Vlogging but for a Good Cause

It was a horrifying sight, seeing the various bugs bungle her prized possession, her magnum opus, pouring in their milk before adding her crowned achievement. It besmirched her company to witness such an ordeal, with the added dishonour of coming upon the few that  _ dared _ to mix her life’s work and dedication with  _ his _ . Immediately, her safe-guard came into place, with the lucky charms growing a bright orange as the chemical reaction took place, threatening an explosion that could only wish to match that of her anger.

The Radiance swept aside the legal business plan she had been carefully procuring and dove full force into the heavily guarded secondary plan; violence. She took out her Nerf© Vlog gun©, filled to the max with unicorn marshmallows, as stale as they are within the box. It was time to enact upon that which she had vowed against, as much as it pained her to do so- competition was competition, and all was fair game in love and store.

She took out her IPhone 6S (she refused to update, as her money was better spent on the lawsuits she gained) and pressed record, believing that, if this must happen, she might as well post it to YouTube© and make a profit. The camera flipped to her face in an incredibly superficial background complete with backing dancers, the Radiance spoke loud and confident to where she believed to be, but wasn’t sure, the mic was, “I’m here to make an announcement. Pale King is a bitchass motherfucker and he pissed on my company’s name with his pathetic excuse for cereal, PaleBran. In today’s vlog I’m here to show you  _ this,”  _

With a smile bigger than the Pluto debate she had held in her debate class two decades ago, she pulled up an image of the worst thing imaginable;  _ the Pale King’s Build-A-Bug© plush, _ a small caption reading “Pale King sides with the corrupt!” spanning across the bottom in  impact  like a newspaper headline. It was still in mint condition, bought first edition off an Ebay© listing, and she was ready to show the world what she truly intended; the lack of a fair trade symbol on the back.

“As you all can see here, he has taken the good name of  _ Build-A-Bug Workshop©  _ and used it for his own personal gain, lacking in any true contracts with the company, thus profiting off of tired moms who haven’t the time to check for such minute details! In comparison, I, as an entrepreneur that cares for the middle-class citizens of Hallownest, have begun to sell my cereal at a discount! The code is ‘PaleKingCancelled2021’ for 50% on!”

With a short, cheery closing line, the Radiance stopped recording, immediately uploading to her channel because she spent all the budgeting for the video on the backup dancers and forgot about editing, and cackled. Fuck PaleBran.


	2. PR Stands for Please Rstop

Lurien slammed his tiny buggy little hands on the table, rattling all the bowls of PaleBran© that sat in front of each member of the team.

_ “HAVE YOU SEEN HOW OUR COMPANY NAME HAS BEEN SLANDERED?! A MERE VIDEO AND WE HAVE GOTTEN TWO DIFFERENT HATE DMS!”  _

The nobles around the conference table muttered to each other worriedly- that was more hate DMs than they got 5 star reviews!

Lurien scanned the crowd, his gaze holding a frighteningly piercing power for only being a singular eye. The team felt more shivers run down their spines than they had upon entering the store the day after the night the air conditioning broke and blasted sub-zero temperature air into the entire store for a full twelve hours. That’s retail, baby.

His butler stood, holding a manila folder like the decrepit old bastard he was, and held it out to Lurien. Said bug thanked him, proceeding to tilt his mask to the side and consume the PaleBran© infused paper. The storemind rumbled with appreciation for the sacrifice.  With the storemind satiated, the meeting came to a natural pause. Almost as natural as the look the head of HR wore strolling in. Or rather, didn’t wear. 

Lurien pinched his eye in frustration, grabbing his mug and crunching down on the PaleBran© infused ceramic, addressing the new occupant of the room, “Tiso-”

“Head of HR Tiso to you, Peter Panic.”

Lurien rolled his eye. His butler picked up the travel pillow from the floor where it fell and settled it around his boss’s weak dainty fragile weak neck to protect it from his dangerous stunts.  Kindly thanking him, Lurien pulled out his skateboard and showed it to Tiso, waving it around precariously as he announced, “I challenge you to a duel, Head of HR Tiso,”

Tiso, nakey as a baby, brandished his own skateboard, a rounded and sectioned masterful work of art. The wheels gleamed with fresh oil scented with PaleBran©.  “What are the terms? And what will be my winnings?” he demanded, taking a stance at the tableside and drinking a glass of milk left over from a bowl of PaleBran© with the pulp. 

Contempt with the show of power, Lurien called forth a scribe and Xander Mobus©, voice of Master Hand©, summoning all of his might within his voice as he roared, “No rules, just skate. If you win, you continue with your day and I will pretend to never have seen your Ebay© scamming profile. However, if  _ I _ win, you must put on your clothes and bend to my secret terms,”

Tiso thought the thrill of the secret was really cool so he agreed.

“Tiso Hawk versus Laurien White!” Master Hand called out and then got into an epic rap battle with the scribe before they both perished in action.

As fast as shoppers in an aisle with PaleBran© in sight, Lurien did a kickflip and took a bite out of his PaleBran© infused skateboard in the air. Tiso gasped.

_ Good, _ he thought,  _ but not good enough. _

With the class and force of a thousand PaleBran© HR employees, Tiso represented his hard working team by performing a half pipe 720 flip using solely PR team employees as his half pipe. He thought of his career in Ebay© scams, the power trip that came with his position as Head of HR, the corporate ladder that he clambered effortlessly with his incredibly good looks and charm, as he skated with all his being.

And then promptly got imprisoned in the PaleBran© dungeon for workplace assault, nothing more than a PaleBran© voucher and, unfortunately, his clothes to his name.


	3. He Lost His Memory MonkaS

As fateful as his life would have it, Quirrel finds himself sitting upon a metal bed as the Royal Guards outside his cell discuss what had happened to put the scholar in there in the first place.

“I never thought I’d see the day in which a bug is jailed for slandering a company’s name,” Ogrim mumbled, half to himself. “Did you hear that he made a knockoff  _ Build-A-Bug Workshop© _ plush? The lawsuit they filed against him was enormous!”

Isma slowly shook her head in disappointment, turning to gaze at the bug in the cell. He looked like he was trying not to cry, trying to hide his obvious pout, like a child upon seeing a lack of the much coveted  _ PaleBran©  _ within their pantry. She let out a pitiful hum, shaking her head once more.

“...The funny thing is, it’s not even the  _ B-A-B Workshop©  _ that filed the lawsuit. It was the prestigious  _ PaleBran© _ company that wants his head on a pike,” Ogrim commented, a claw up to his chinny chin chin (a gesture often seen done by bugs as they wipe off their mouths after drinking the milk from a bowl of  _ Ultra Chocolate Supreme PaleBran© _ ,  ‘the cereal in which even the mere milk is desired by many!’ ).

The sound of heavy boots echoed through the corridor, bringing the two guards out of their thoughts. The pillbug in the cell looks up, curiously, fright beginning to shine in his eyes.

The first they truly saw of the form was the shine of a leather motorcycle jacket. The crash of the boots against the ground continued.

_ Boink. Boink. Boink. _

The sound filled the pillbug with more dread than a child whose coupon for  _ PaleBran© _ has expired before it could be used. 

_ Boink. Boink. Boink. _

The lights blindingly reflected off of the shades positioned where the mysterious bug’s head would’ve been seen, if the shadows were not cascading over their entire form.

_ Boink. Boink. _

_ Boink. _

The figure came to a halt, only just reaching the light. Suddenly, they were visible; their steel-toed  _ Doc Martens© _ and the leather jacket Quirrel had recognized as one some skater-ant going by the pseudonym of Tiso Hawk had been trying to sell on Ebay©. Seeing the mysterious bug dawning the item made his heart ache a little, as that means a skater has surpassed him in Ebay© success. He knows his ratings will go down after the lawsuit, and this is only a stale, cheap cherry on top of a soggy bowl of  _ PaleBran© _ ( **Disclaimer: Due to minerals put within each PaleBran© flake, they will not get soggy, and this was only an uneducated allusion. Get with the program.)** .

The bug took off the shades, revealing eyes the color of a stop-sign if it was spray-painted the color of a clear afternoon sky. They only met the eyes of the Royal Guards as they spoke.

“I believe this is the culprit to my husband’s defamation?” she questioned. To Quirrel’s surprise, he seemed to hear a slight hint of amusement within her tone.

Ogrim nodded, turning his back to the iron bars of the cell to face the newcomer.

“We carried out the investigation as planned, Mrs. Lady. We ordered the plush, and just as expected, he showed. We regained our money and locked him up for questioning.”

“Let him out.”

Ogrim and Isma stared at her with wide eyes.

“...Wh… What?”

“Let him out,” The Lady repeated. “Don’t worry, we aren’t releasing him, not yet- but I would like to have a discussion with this young trickster of a bug.”

Ogrim still had his confused stare fixated on her, searching for any sarcasm, as Isma unlocked the cell door. The pillbug approached silently and obediently, keeping his eyes pointed downwards as if the Lady was punk Medusa. His gaze was just high enough to see her beckon for him to follow with one hand as she began to exit the same way she came.

He followed, terrified, for the first time hoping that he would be sleeping on a metal bed tonight.

It was much more preferable than a death bed.


End file.
